Shooting’s traumatic impact on parents, children around the country
How to talk to your children about the shooting, acknowledge your own fear
CHICAGO --- Following the shooting at a Texas elementary school yesterday, Northwestern Medicine psychologists discuss the traumatic impact on parents and children around the country and explain how to talk to children about the tragic event, sharing how he reassured his 11-year-old child.
“These events are traumatic not only for the people directly involved but the whole country, if not the world. Fear that the life of someone you love is in danger is traumatic. What makes these things especially traumatic is both the frequency and the sheer randomness of them — the uncertainty of not knowing where and when the next one going to happen. There is nothing worse than losing a child.”
Normal symptoms
“It’s normal for parents and children to be scared, worried, angry and have trouble sleeping. But, also be aware that if you see these symptoms in you or your kids last for months on end, it’s worth seeking treatment.”
Talk to your children in a developmentally appropriate way
“You should talk about it with your children in a developmentally appropriate way. You’ll say something different to a 6-year-old child than a 16-year-old teen. Reassure a young child that they are safe and, as much as you can, try to keep them away from the news. What parents should not do is ignore it. It’s good for the kids and parents to talk about this.
“Tell a fourth grader: ‘Something awful happened. Kids were killed in a school, but you are safe and grownups in your community are doing everything they can to make sure of that.’ Highlight not just that you as a parent are doing what you can, but remind them the community where they live is also working to protect them.
“Give them examples of how they are protected. Remind them of the safety procedures that are in place in every school. The school doors are locked; while they are on playground, adults are making sure they are safe.
“It’s important for parents to allow a space for kids to share their feelings, but also for the parents to share their own fears. It’s validating for kids for a parent to say to them, ‘I’m scared too. This is a scary situation.’ Acknowledge your anxiety about it, but to a limit.”
“I said to my 11-year-old daughter, ‘It’s a scary thing, but you are safe at school. You know the security guard who guards the door. You know there are teachers and aides on the playground monitoring things. The doors are always locked.’”
Parents need to take care of themselves
“Parents have to make sure to take care of themselves. They are always worried about what to do for their kids. But it’s the classic ‘put your own mask on first.’ Make sure you are OK. We model for our kids how to deal with stress. Be aware of how you are handling it. Share your own strategies for taking care of yourself. Say, ‘Hey, let’s all go for a walk or a bike ride. Mommy needs some fresh air.’ Taking care of your own mental state as well as your children’s is super important.’”
Sheehan Fisher is an assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine. Contact him at sheehan.fisher@northwestern.edu.
“The traumatic impact can be severe for the children who were in the school during the shooting because the images, sounds and other experiences can create flashbacks and ingrain a sense of fear of violent death and being in environments in the future that remind them of the event. This can impact their mental health long-term, including PTSD, depression and anxiety. The parents of these children are also at risk for developing traumatic symptoms. They had the excruciating fear of knowing their child was at immediate risk and not knowing whether they survived. This experience can have a long-term impact on the parents’ anxiety and fear of their child’s safety.”
Parents cannot feel reassured because no major changes in gun laws
“Parents around the country are also at risk for increased anxiety about their children’s safety. Because this is a long-standing concern about gun violence in schools that has not been adequately addressed, parents around the country can develop anxiety about their children going to school. Since there has been no major change in gun laws to restrict access to automatic and semi-automatic weapons, parents cannot feel reassured that the next shooting will not be at their children’s school.”
Parents can feel hopeless and helpless
“As a parent watching the news, you can identify with the experience of the parents who suffered this horror and vicariously experience what it would feel like to be in their situation. A parent can tend to start to imagine that scenario and the emotional and psychological experience of losing your child. Parents may find it difficult to stop thinking about the potential scenarios, which would cause significant emotional distress. This fear can make a parent start to want to avoid the risk of the situation, which creates stress because they are limited to what they can do to prevent this. Parents can start to feel hopeless and helpless about their ability to protect their children and avoid such horrific events.”
Children can’t have normal childhoods
“I feel deep grief and sadness about the fact that our children can’t have normal childhoods and just go to school to learn and socialize. I am extremely disappointed that we don’t do more within our laws and policies to make sure our children stay safe.”